Cadmium Flute

Cadmium Flute is a cold-hearted monster.

The inventor of thinking and the author of “how i invented thinking” has had a relatively quiet millennium, despite inventing thinking, recounting in part the story of having done so and preparing several important treaties on hatwear.

Unfortunately much of the earlier years were spent absorbed with research into genetically combining testicles and teats… work that came to a head with the mass production of the testeatulator in 1666.

Only later was it uncovered that the market research, conducted in the 1100s, was no longer valid and apparently people now longed for robotic testicle earrings that bristled when they heard something fancy.

Further, Cadmium remains convinced that at some point a brilliant and disturbing novel entitled “My Life In The Sniff” was written, but no records of it can be found. Some say that it was not in fact a novel at all, but an interpretive dance performed after 6 days of eating “shiny dirt” sometime around 1313. In any case, Cadmium expects to be more “out and about” during the forthcoming 1000: dancing with, sniggering at and rubbing up the people. Look for the cat with the thinking cap on.

As to the writing of Flute, particularly the early, middle and later works, it reads much like a sanctimonious manual for the finest, most delectable imaginable anal probing.

Cadmium Flute lives atop a ramshackle rock with 6 billion really annoying neighbors.

Critical Milestones:

1000 Self-impregnation.
1001 Self-delivery.
1002 Paper: “Being born: is it worthwhile?”
1002 Quantum mongoose developed.
1002 Brown Hole produced in back yard.
1002 Paper: “Blocking out the sun with a Popsicle”.
1002 String theory developed but discarded as “too useful”.
1002 Automated licking machine developed.
1002 Paper: “How I suddenly got really really tired and needed to go to bed for an awfully long time”.
1111 Research program, Project Teaticles, is initiated on the back of overwhelming market demand.
1111 Contracts 555 year sneezing disorder – research set back significantly.
1666 Paper: “Testicles and teats: together at last!”
1666 Testeatulator produced.
1667 Paper: “Testicles and teats: everyone knows they want it”.
1667 Paper: “Testicles and teats scam: people lie about what they want”.
1668 Paper: “Testicles and teats scam: marketing department to blame!”
1669 Paper: “Everything that’s wrong with testicle earrings”.
1669 Paper: “TesteCorp evil empire will destroy humankind”.
1670 “Erect” brand testicle earrings produced.
1671 “Erect” brand testicle earrings spontaneously explode and kill everyone wearing them.
1672 Exhausted, checks into clinic for well-to-do mad people.
1695 Paper: “The use of the stovepipe hat in modern warfare”.
1762 Stovepipe hat theory used in French-Indian War. Plaudits hasten recovery and entry into French high society.
1812 Thinking invented.
1813 Sits back and wait for the royalties from the mass use of thinking to come rolling in.
1999 Needs to have a serious word with The Little Shop Of Noggins Marketing Department.
2000 Innumerable fatal flaws discovered in theory of thinking. Thinking eschewed in favor of blinking.

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