Cadbury Fife slapped the private entrance to his office affectionately as he walked through it.
He calmly oriented himself behind his desk and then, just as he was deliberating between placing his feet on the desk and placing his arms behind his head, he was rudely interrupted by the incessant buzzing of his Assistant.
Mr. Gullet, an aging gent with a slight lisp and a faint wobble when he stood up, was Cadbury’s long-time Assistant at the Detective Agency, and also in certain other pursuits.
Cadbury: What is it Gullet, or do you just thrive on keeping me on edge at all times? Can I not settle in of a day? Can I not have a moment?!?
Gullet: Well, it could be argued that you did have all the moments of today, leading up to now, which, even being loose with the definition of “moment”, would be quite a few, since it is 3pm. And also, if you’re interested, I am buzzing about your 2pm appointment, that has been waiting for an hour.
Cadbury: What is this thing you have with time, Gullet? Honestly, it is depraved. Make a note to get that corrected. And make it stat! Also, send in the appointment, so called.
Gullet: Yes, Detective.
Cadbury: [Hangs Up] Yes, Detective. [Smiles] Yes, Detective. [Put arms behind head.] Yes, indeed, Detective.
As Cadbury swayed gently back on his chair, which was a large Detective Chair, thinking that maybe Gullet wasn’t so bad after all, the door to his office opened.
Cadbury’s office was on the 70th Floor of an office tower that gave him a sweeping view of the sprawling crime-cancered city below. One of his favorite pursuits was Helicopter Spitting. He also enjoyed the response elicited from visitors to having their seating placed hard up against the full-length glass windows.
At the door’s opening, into the office swam a woman with a vaguely skittish air about her. A brief splash of Tubular Bells could be heard emanating from the Reception area, before the woman closed the door rather rapidly behind her.
She was moderately aged, perhaps in her 30s, and not poorly kept at all, however Cadbury deduced that she didn’t seemed focused enough to adequately service him. She seemed more the type that might know other people that he should like to have sex with. So he labeled her a “Person of Interest”, smirked smugly, and mentally filed her accordingly. Also, he predicted that he would have sex with her, but perhaps after 3 meetings. Seemed reasonable, he confirmed to himself.
By this time, she had already been talking for a few minutes, and Cadbury realized that that was perhaps the annoying noise that was filling the room.
Cadbury: You shall need to repeat yourself madam. Your assumption that I was listening was flawed. Also, my idiot assistant has failed to brief me on any aspect of your specifics, such as the name you use on days such as these.
Cadbury: What name do you use?
Cadbury: Tell me will you? I cannot stand this teasing!
With that Cadbury stood up, jumped to his feet in fact, with some excitement.
Cadbury: That’s it then! I’m hired! Congratulations!!
Cadbury offered a hand to shake. He also put a Detective Hat on with his other hand.
Woman: [Stepping backwards slightly, but feebly reaching out with her hand] Thank you?
Cadbury: Yes, thank me, and my eponymous Detective Agency. For all our hard work, our attention to detail, and our Christmas cards. And the cases we sometimes solve too, though I can’t say that happens often. Things come up, see. Better things. I assure you however that everyone will be happy with Cadbury’s work and want more of it. Feeling good? Ok, let’s move on, that question is impossible to answer at this point, but you can expect to know more later. How did you find Cadbury, madam?
Cadbury: What is “Selia”, a women’s needs website? I don’t advertise on them, or if I do, it is not as a Detective Agency.
Selia: My name, Detective, is “Selia”.
Cadbury: Well, what a delight you are! Good, I shall call you “Selia” for a while and see how it works. If I don’t like it we can always change it. Now, how did you find Cadbury, Selia?
Selia: Well I work in the building, so I see your “Cadbury’s Titbits” segments in the elevators.
Cadbury: Really, now, don’t you say? I do them for my own entertainment you know, since I get lonely on the long elevator rides. Never expected to get any business from them, and certainly hoped I wouldn’t. I’m already pushing up against my client limit of 0. Hmmm, well ok… this has been quite revelationary, and also quite tiring. I think we’re about done though. Anything more to add?
Selia: Anything more than my name?
Cadbury: Yes, good summary. So far you’ve given me your name and I’m not sure I like it. We shall see. However the way I’m suddenly feeling I do need to fast-track this case and have at least 2 more meetings with you today.
So go back to reception and tell Gullet to make an appointment for 5 minutes from now please, and I will see you then. I may be late, but I won’t make you wait, if you know what I mean.
Cadbury winked at her as she stood with an almost pleading look on her fair-skinned, wide-eyed countenance. As Cadbury sat back down however, taking off his Detective Hat, she seemed to realize he was entirely serious. She twirled, opened his door and walked out.
As she exited the office Tubular Bells blew her dress provocatively and Cadbury thought he saw the backside of her knee.
Cadbury: [Drumming his fingers briefly on his desk] This should be an open and shut dress.