9: The fascinating stupidity of humans

Cadbury Fife was partially disrobed, but also partially robed.

Which is to say that, when worn without pants, the long coat he wore gave the appearance of a robe.

He had been performing a rather delicate sliding dance move with two canes and a detective hat, however that screeched to a halt when his office door, notorious for rude interruptions, sprang a visitor on him.

Selia moved into the room with a slight yelp.

Cadbury: [From a delicately poised position] Do you understand humans, Selia?

Selia didn’t answer, but felt herself being slowly projected across the room, towards a golden bucket.

Cadbury: Well let me explain them, while you conduct a random walk. Which is appropriate. [Cadbury continued his dance, while discussing his theory of humans.] What interests me, you see, is the stupidity of humans. Why are they so stupid? [Jumping a bucket] The answer? [Tapping the wall with a cane] Two main reasons… Legacy (let’s ignore that one) and Learning.

Cadbury stopped briefly to look at Selia, conveying the impression to her that he had just revealed something important.

Cadbury: Stupidity for the purpose of Learning? [He conducts an almost impressive spiral maneuver across the room] Shocking!??

Cadbury came to rest in front of Selia who had seated herself on the golden bucket that she presumed was placed there for her. He gyrated his semi-naked lower body in a dysrhythmic, repulsive, and yet inexplicably artistic way.

Cadbury: [With either a grin or a snarl] Why yes, we are!

He then turned to grab what appeared to be a large towel that was hanging on a coat rack, and proceeded to lay this towel on the wooden floorboards in front of Selia, taking some care that it laid smoothly.

Cadbury: [Looking back at Selia as he worked on the towel, smoothing out the kinks] As you know, Selia, Cadbury’s Detective Agency is a services business… and the time has come to provide some services.

Cadbury: [Now lying down on the towel on his back, placing one cane and one arm by each side.] In case there in any confusion though, we do not provide services.

Cadbury: [Closing his eyes] We receive them.

Some moments passed.

Soft, crushing moments, that settled in like velvet gloves around the throat.

It was dawning on Selia that it would have been foolish to expect anything less ridiculous than this. This was the least ridiculous scenario she could objectively envisage for her 3AM appointment at the detective agency.

She removed her top, each button making a light snap contrasted against the still night and a dull background whir that she imagined perhaps could have been Mr. Gullet’s computer.

Cadbury lay silently, savoring every note of the orchestra he conducted, following the trail of his dominoes as they fell, settling back deep into the recesses of himself.

Selia slid forward out of her fashionable skirt, taking care to throw it aside recklessly without breaking the anxious peace. She angled down, and forward, and focussed on Cadbury’s closed eyes.

He could see her with his mind, she thought, or could assume well enough what she looked like.

Selia boarded the belly of the detective.

She caressed. She finessed. She imagined something unforgivable. And he lay prone, lifeless, and perhaps comatose. It was extremely passionate.

Selia: I kiss you.

Cadbury:

Selia: I squeeze you.

Cadbury:

Selia: I feel you.

Cadbury:

Selia:  I feel you, Detective.

Cadbury:

Selia: You are unimaginably hard.