32: Ego bubbles, designed to give you boners of the head

Cadbury sits on the private balcony of Cadbury’s Detective Agency, alone. A beautiful, yet somehow disturbing sight.

Cadbury: People are toxic to the human condition.

He raised a glass of GJ and swooshed it.

Cadbury: This is an idea that is only just occurring to me and it is brilliant. [Nodding] It is the Decision Mutation Theory. The Decision Mutation Theory says that after 9 correct decisions, the 10th will be a Mutant. Because the Human is wired to err, to break patterns… to fix what may or may not be broke.

Cadbury stood up suddenly and released his arms from their shoulders in a broad sweeping motion. He wore a long-tailed, red Detective’s Robe, open and flowing with the wind.

He strode briefly to a wall cupboard and opened it. His hands made the motion of cracking his knuckles, without cracking his knuckles. In the night an almost outrageous stillness swept in.

Cadbury reached into the cupboard and pulled out a fishing pole.

Cadbury: Let’s do this.

With the pole he walked to the edge of his balcony while removing from his pocket a small hook. He proceeded to bait the a hook that was already on the fishing rod with the hook from his pocket.

Cadbury: When you’re fishing for fishermen, you need a hook for bait.

Hook baited, he expertly threw the rod over his shoulder, then robustly swung it forward.

The line swam with a zing into space. Unspooling seemingly forever, the starlight glittered off the hooks as it cut a long arc across the night.

As the hooks eventually drifted below his line of sight, Cadbury settled back into his deck chair, which was perhaps an elaborate construction of high-end discarded buckets.

He picked up his GJ with hand, with the other gentling handling the reel. The reel made a clean metallic sound that reverberated insultingly.

Cadbury: People, I used to think I could solve all your problems.

He took a small sip of GJ and grimaced.

Cadbury: Then I realized that your biggest problem was that most of your problems are made up. [Now firmly molesting the reel.] In fact they’re not really problems at all, they’re ego bubbles, designed to give you boners of the head. [Pulling the line] At some point I came to the epiphany that by my very endeavors, I was masturbating all of humanity. And I felt abused.

The line jerked heavily. Cadbury leaned back, arching his back and taking the load.

Cadbury: Ah, yes. Here you come. [Cadbury undulated his body in a slow rolling wave, while pulling on the rod and reeling the line] Let me take you. [Lean] Let me fish you into my soul.

As he continued to roll rigorously but gracefully with the line, Cadbury raised the last of his GJ to his lips and downed it. He then threw the glass across the balcony grinning as it smashed.

Cadbury: [Continuing to wind the line] Oh yes… this case is coming to a start.

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