21: Juggle all the world’s detritus

Cadbury Fife arrived at the offices of Cadbury Fife’s Detective Agency.

He decided to surprise the world by entering via the front door.

Cadbury: [Entering via the front door] What is going on here!?

Gullet: Database Entry, Profile Assessment, Psychological Evaluations and Report Production. Also I have ordered brunch.

Cadbury: Ridiculous answers all. Except for brunch, which should have an outsanding impact on our bottom line.

Gullet: Late brunch.

Cadbury: Afternoon brunch. Eating before noon is crass.

At that moment a robot waiter appeared with their order. Gullet was having swordfish, sword-in, garnished with something red. Cadbury was having a whole Grapefruit, sliced into thirds, with Grapefruit Juice.

They retired to the balcony for brunch.

Cadbury: What is all this report profile do-whop diddley?

Gullet: The Case of The Missing Self. Discovery is complete and we are proceeding with the preliminary investigations.

Cadbury: Is this the thing with the, ah, crazy lady?

Gullet: Selia.

Cadbury: Yes, that one. I thought she possibly didn’t make it through our program. What happened to her?

Gullet: She has been under my personal observation for the last week. Quite an interesting case. Also, her case is quite interesting.

Cadbury: Hmmm, well it can’t be that interesting because I can’t remember a thing about it.

Gullet: Do not concern yourself, I have it all on file.

Cadbury is flicking grapefruit seeds into the air, and watching them sail out over the balcony edge. He imagined them flying into lawyers ears and implanting their brains with obscure thoughts of art and love.

Cadbury: Why do I need to do all these cases? It’e bewildering, befuddling, quite bam-slam-boozling. Must I juggle all the world’s detritus on my nimble finger-tips??

Gullet: Well, this is the only case we are conducting right now.

Cadbury: Huh, that’s a little odd don’t you think?

Gullet: Probably so. [Pauses a moment to consider this rather profound issue, before moving on] Tomorrow we will be doing some on-site interviews-

Cadbury: [Making a 'sour' face] This grapefruit is a real bitch.

Gullet: It’s a perfect grapefruit?

Cadbury: My compliments to the fruitbot.

Gullet: So tomorrow we will be doing some on-site discussions with associates of the missing person.

Cadbury: There is a missing person?

Gullet: Turns out, yes.

Cadbury: Really, a most peculiar case. Don’t know what to make of it.

Gullet: Well, a few moments ago you hadn’t even remembered it.

Cadbury: [Turning with mock or real disdain] Yes, but Gullet, if you would please tune in, while you were waving your reports around in the air like a Professor of Clouds, I have fully debriefed myself on the matter at hand. In fact, I distinctly recall solving this case already.

Gullet: Well, that is true. Hence it has just started.

Cadbury: Indeed. [Clearing throat] Is this juice 110 Proof?

Gullet: I think the 110 Proof juice struck export issues due to false advertising. Those Congoans are sticklers for math and reality.

Cadbury: Don’t I know it. The madness of out of control truthism. Anyway this juice tastes watered down, like fish urine – please have that corrected.

At this point Cadbury had finished his brunch, while Gullet had not even started his. Cadbury rose and rubbed his stomach.

Cadbury: I will need the following for our investigations tomorrow. 1. A large carving knife in a suitcase. 2. A heavy crushing weight 3. A defibulator in case of extreme medical emergency. [Afterthought] Also, do you know the location of my Detective’s Pipe?

Gullet: [Taking notes on an electronic device.] I do not.

Cadbury: Good.

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